So yeah, today has pretty much proven to be one of those days--you know, one straight from the flaming bowels of the underworld. It's funny how God-forsaken episodes can catch a person unaware. One minute it's zip-a-dee-do-dah, the next it's ear-shattering polka music. The day started out nice enough: the first free Friday of the semester, sleeping in until one, taking a relaxing shower with my brand-new Lush soap. It was shaping up to be a great three-day weekend complete with shopping trips and movie marathons.
Oh how little I knew.
My basic experience in the last 3 hours can be summarized in two points.
1. I haven't lost any weight--NONE. Yeah, after slaving away on a low carb diet for the last two weeks with only minor slips (helloooooooo Atlanta), I haven't seen ANY results. It's just ridiculous. I had this grand master plan in mind based on our same experience about 4 years ago when I lost something like 20 pounds using the same method--obviously there have been some biological changes since then (I'm kind of starting to worry I have a thyroid problem a la Oprah--naw, that woman just likes her food). I've never been a huge pig-out person, and I don't think I'm fat...I just want to be healthier, to feel better about who I am and how I look. I know that kind of stuff has to "come from within," but that doesn't mean I don't want to drop a size or two.
I'm sure some of my literal weight-loss effort has been undermined/made less obvious by my workout plan which includes about 300 cruches a night and some walking, making more muscle rather than shaving off the pounds, it's still beyond discouraging. I'm ready for a difference--so are my parents who have been following the same plan. Looks like we try a different strategy on Monday.
2. And this is the big one--I received my rejection letter from the Davies-Jackson Scholarsip. Ick. I know I planned ahead for this to happen--especially since Dr. Richardson warned me that the odds were against me because the council only takes one person a year and a Mercer student was selected only two years ago, but the rejection still smarts like the dickens. Maybe I really didn't want to spend two years away from my family, and maybe a masters in literature isn't exactly at the top of my to-do list, but it feels like a lower blow--like I'm just not good enough. I want to go out in the world and make something of myself. I'm not saying that I haven't achieved a lot for a 22 year old...I know I'm blessed beyond anything I deserve. It's just frustrating since sometimes I feel like academics is the only field I excell in. I'm no saint; I'm not a social butterfly. I often feel really alone in the world.
Ugh. Even I'm starting to dislike myself just by reading this. I guess my real problems are direction and a bit of self-esteem. Seeing that part of my three-pronged plan shut down really threw me. I know I believe that God will show me the direction I need to take for next year, but it still comes as a shock to the system. It's honestly scary to be graduating in less than five months. No matter how adventurous I like to consider myself, it's so much more confortable to know what you will be doing with your life. I know I'll be doing something, but I want to be sure I'll be doing something that makes me happy...and there's never a guarantee for that sort of thing.
In terms of self-esteem, I consider myself to be a pretty confident person...today just came as a double whammy, both to my physical and mental state. Let me tell you, I don't care how cocky someone is, we all suffer from self-doubt about our worth and purpose. We all want others to appreciate us for who we are. Rejection is a heartbreak--but at least I had the guts to put myself out there. Those Cambridge people don't know what they're missing.
I have always been a bigger fan of Oxford anyway.
You know what's funny? My mom told me the Cambridge thing is all her fault--that she has prayed that God won't take me away for two years. I don't blame her. It's probably for the best. There are so many things I love about the United States and my family and friends--I can't see myself ever being away for that long.
After getting all my frustrations out of my system by writing this entry, it's strange to look over what has made me so upset today. In the long-run all these hurts will seem like papercuts compared to the gaping wounds they feel like now. It's easy to see how other people have much worse things to worry about, more problems than a comfortable middle-class young woman can understand, but pain is such an individual experience. We all suffer it, no matter how great or small. This too shall pass--and I just need to summon up a little more faith that God and my loved ones will help me through the stress.
So now? I'm certainly not going to sit on my butt and wallow in self-pity--I might even indulge in some carb-loaded chocolate to improve the situation. Woah! I've already been approved for a personal interview by the folks at Teach for America, skipping the phone interview stage. I'm going to hit the ground running, doing my best to fill out my law school applications, personal statement, and requests for references this long weekend. I'm not giving up. As my dad says, I'm just reevaluating the situation and taking a different approach. Life has a way of working itself out. It's sure to go on.
And I'll be in Orlando in less than a month. That's got to count for something.
Keep it rockin'.
Oh how little I knew.
My basic experience in the last 3 hours can be summarized in two points.
1. I haven't lost any weight--NONE. Yeah, after slaving away on a low carb diet for the last two weeks with only minor slips (helloooooooo Atlanta), I haven't seen ANY results. It's just ridiculous. I had this grand master plan in mind based on our same experience about 4 years ago when I lost something like 20 pounds using the same method--obviously there have been some biological changes since then (I'm kind of starting to worry I have a thyroid problem a la Oprah--naw, that woman just likes her food). I've never been a huge pig-out person, and I don't think I'm fat...I just want to be healthier, to feel better about who I am and how I look. I know that kind of stuff has to "come from within," but that doesn't mean I don't want to drop a size or two.
I'm sure some of my literal weight-loss effort has been undermined/made less obvious by my workout plan which includes about 300 cruches a night and some walking, making more muscle rather than shaving off the pounds, it's still beyond discouraging. I'm ready for a difference--so are my parents who have been following the same plan. Looks like we try a different strategy on Monday.
2. And this is the big one--I received my rejection letter from the Davies-Jackson Scholarsip. Ick. I know I planned ahead for this to happen--especially since Dr. Richardson warned me that the odds were against me because the council only takes one person a year and a Mercer student was selected only two years ago, but the rejection still smarts like the dickens. Maybe I really didn't want to spend two years away from my family, and maybe a masters in literature isn't exactly at the top of my to-do list, but it feels like a lower blow--like I'm just not good enough. I want to go out in the world and make something of myself. I'm not saying that I haven't achieved a lot for a 22 year old...I know I'm blessed beyond anything I deserve. It's just frustrating since sometimes I feel like academics is the only field I excell in. I'm no saint; I'm not a social butterfly. I often feel really alone in the world.
Ugh. Even I'm starting to dislike myself just by reading this. I guess my real problems are direction and a bit of self-esteem. Seeing that part of my three-pronged plan shut down really threw me. I know I believe that God will show me the direction I need to take for next year, but it still comes as a shock to the system. It's honestly scary to be graduating in less than five months. No matter how adventurous I like to consider myself, it's so much more confortable to know what you will be doing with your life. I know I'll be doing something, but I want to be sure I'll be doing something that makes me happy...and there's never a guarantee for that sort of thing.
In terms of self-esteem, I consider myself to be a pretty confident person...today just came as a double whammy, both to my physical and mental state. Let me tell you, I don't care how cocky someone is, we all suffer from self-doubt about our worth and purpose. We all want others to appreciate us for who we are. Rejection is a heartbreak--but at least I had the guts to put myself out there. Those Cambridge people don't know what they're missing.
I have always been a bigger fan of Oxford anyway.
You know what's funny? My mom told me the Cambridge thing is all her fault--that she has prayed that God won't take me away for two years. I don't blame her. It's probably for the best. There are so many things I love about the United States and my family and friends--I can't see myself ever being away for that long.
After getting all my frustrations out of my system by writing this entry, it's strange to look over what has made me so upset today. In the long-run all these hurts will seem like papercuts compared to the gaping wounds they feel like now. It's easy to see how other people have much worse things to worry about, more problems than a comfortable middle-class young woman can understand, but pain is such an individual experience. We all suffer it, no matter how great or small. This too shall pass--and I just need to summon up a little more faith that God and my loved ones will help me through the stress.
So now? I'm certainly not going to sit on my butt and wallow in self-pity--I might even indulge in some carb-loaded chocolate to improve the situation. Woah! I've already been approved for a personal interview by the folks at Teach for America, skipping the phone interview stage. I'm going to hit the ground running, doing my best to fill out my law school applications, personal statement, and requests for references this long weekend. I'm not giving up. As my dad says, I'm just reevaluating the situation and taking a different approach. Life has a way of working itself out. It's sure to go on.
And I'll be in Orlando in less than a month. That's got to count for something.
Keep it rockin'.
1 comments:
Here's my crappy friendship skills at work, I didn't read this post. How about we agree that we both suck at this, eh? lol.
You'll whip that weight thing. Fat turns into muscle REALLY FAST. If you want to see weight loss and not muscle toning then you might want to try that Crackins Diet again. lol. Just telling you what I've learned in my quest to relieve my self of some of my overabundant boob weight. (gag.)
You ecxcell in more than academics. I used to feel jealous of you some in high school. You were better at social situations than I, for one. I think you are like me, you can do ANYTHING that you set your mind to, and you do it well. Remember that always. You got this.
As for the alone thing, I think we may be screwed in that department. I feel destined to be that way (and I don't even believe in destiny... ) "I feel yah there."
Self-esteem. Gag. It comes and goes. Stays around most of the time. As for those work "friends" of mine. Honestly, I'm sick to friggin' death of the lot of them. Sick of fake smiling at their sexually themed jokes (that's the only ones they can manage to come up with btw.) Trust me it's so nice and refreshing to talk about more intellectual things with you, I wish I had more people like that around me.
Chic lord, we NEED another Orlando holiday!
<3
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